Ego vs. Body Battles

CLASS SCHEDULE:

SATURDAYS:

7am-8:15am

Sunrise Beach Yoga

Rate: Free! :-)

location: on the beach in Umm Suqeim 1

MONDAYS & WEDNESDAYS:
7pm-8:15pm Hatha Flow
Rate: 50 aed pp

location: home studio in Umm Suqeim 1

TUESDAYS
(2nd, 3rd & 4th Tues of the month) 

Yin Yoga 7pm-8:15pm
Rate: 50 aed pp
 1st Tues of the month: 

Tranquil Tuesday Meditation 7pm-8pm
Rate: 50 aed pp
location: home studio in Umm Suqeim 1

 
 My ego and I have been at war for years. My ego says, "Run!" and my body says, "Why don't we just take a long walk instead?" My ego counters, "Fine! Let's ski instead" and my body says, "I'm warning you, the knees won't like it!" And on and on we battle until the ego surrenders to the body's suggestions. My ego, that inner nagging voice, longs to move faster, to twist deeper and to stretch further. It struggles against accepting where my body is today.  It wants to move smoothly from Bakasana to Palankasana to open side plank to Camatkarasana then gracefully flow through hours of yoga practice but the image in my head does not always match the reality on the mat. Difficulties that I face on the mat often become fodder for self criticism and a barrier to self acceptance.

Occasionally these self-destructive thoughts are complicated by feedback from yoga teachers. Admittedly, most of the yoga classes I have attended have been led by compassionate, professional and knowledgable yoga teachers.  These are the teachers who understand that not all bodies move in the same way and know that even a strong, healthy body might have underlying issues such as past injuries, deep scar tissue, and structural abnormalities invisible to the naked eye. However, one encounter with a critical yoga teacher or one who insists on moving my body in a way that it should not be moved, can lead to weeks of self doubt or worse, an injury that forces me to postpone my yoga practice altogether until my body heals.

Recently I had one such encounter with a teacher which left me in pain, feeling negative about myself and doubtful about my abilities. This incident coincided with a scheduled and unrelated appointment with a spine specialist. During the consultation, the neuro-spinal specialist showed me an MRI of my sacrum, pelvis and lower spine, the very epicenter of pain during most of my adult life. What he said next left me speechless. He told me that there is a malformation of the sacrum and that certain bones have fused that normally should not be fused. This then effects my movement, causes more pressure in the lower vertibrae and explains why I am not able to -nor will I ever be able to- achieve certain yoga postures. It has nothing to do with my flexibility or with my effort or with the time I spend practicing. Many struggles that I face on the mat cannot be remedied with another yoga retreat or instruction from a yoga 'expert.' Even if my hands and feet are in the precise position they should be for the posture, I still won't be able to achieve that particular posture. Thankfully there are literally thousands of variations of the yoga asanas. If one doesn't work for my body, there are many options and I'm sure to find one that will work.

It's deeply disturbing to me to hear both yoga teachers and students saying, "That's not the right way to do it." Who determines what is right? What is right varies from body to body. Only that particular body can say what feels right to them. Sure, we might not look like the perfect bodies found on the pages of Yoga Journal, but then again, I'm not a model. I'm a yogi. A forty-five year old, 130-pound, full of imperfections and a mal-formed sacrum yogi. I want to come out of each yoga practice feeling positive and strong and energetic. I want to feel alive and full of possibilities and I want to nurture the same feelings in my students.

With that in mind, I unfurl my white flag and wave it in the air. I surrender. I've decided to sign a treaty with my body, vowing to listen and to follow the needs of my body. The ego is defeated, the body wins.